Why My Intern Is Starting To Reply To My Emails…

***Please don’t read this if you offend easily, aren’t a fan of sarcasm, or already think I’m a bitch. This is all meant in good fun and I’m writing this at 1am because I can’t sleep.***

1- I’m an author… I’m supposed to be a little “off” and some people don’t get that.
2- No matter how sane someone is or how normal the question by the 50th time you answer you start wanting to mess with people. i.e. “Are you there?” “Nope!” And I never said I was even sane…
3- I’m born and bred Chicago-ian. I don’t beat around the bush, am blunt, and most people think I’m a bitch.
4- Sarcasm flows in my blood. I don’t just tip the scales… I push it over the cliff, giggling and wave as it plummets.
5- Dane Cook and I have a lot in common, one of which is we’re both Catholic and have wanted to screw with the priest during communion by grabbing the bowl and running away with it. (Yeah, I really almost did once.)
6- If I was fit to be around the general public I wouldn’t work by myself, from home, up in my cave… I mean office.
7- I spend most of my time in fantasy land, coming back out into the real world can be a shock to my system.
8- No matter when I go to reply to messages the first one is always one that just chaps my ass and I swear it affects my answers to the rest.

That being said… here are some of my normal, reasonable questions (and some not) I get in emails and my very smart ass replies that I want to give sometimes.

Have you thought about writing any of the other Marius Brothers stories?Nope, thought I’d leave the last three hanging and laugh at them or maybe just kill them off.

When is (insert book I’ve not even started writing yet) coming out?
Sometime after I write it & submit it.
Reply I’ve actually gotten several times: Why haven’t you written it yet?
I’m busy working on other projects.
When are you going to get to it?
Hell if I know? I’m still wondering what I’m going to eat for lunch at 8pm.
Why don’t you work on it now?
That’s about when I stop replying…

Is (insert series) ongoing?
Yes. It’s on my website that all series other than Hounds of Hell is ongoing. Other questions can be answered at www.joyeeflynn.com
Oh, I don’t have time look that up, it’s easier if you just answer my questions.
Easier for who?! The whole reason I set up the very time consuming webpage is so people can see what’s going on and don’t have to wait for my reply. Every time I get emails like this I get unmotivated to even work on it, which is why it’s so far behind. And honestly I set it up also so I can keep writing and not spend hours replying to emails. If you can’t take the time to click on the link and read what’s there, why should I take the time replying? Plus, it would just be quicker to click the link…

I’m interested in reading your books. Send me the blurbs to all of them and your excerpts.
Seriously? Not even a please or thank you? Do I look like McDonald’s drive thru? I didn’t see “order here” on my forehead this morning…. And I washed my face. I currently have 39 books out… that would be one long ass email with all the blurbs and excerpts… and they’re all on my website.

Are you going to write (some minor female character)’s book?
I have 39 books out, 48 written currently… M/M, M/M/M, M/M/M/M, and M/M/M/M/M/M… there’s a theme there, I swear there is.

How could you end (insert title) that way? Are you nuts?
Yep, and I take evil pills every morning just to make sure I’m well rounded

How much did you make on your last book?
F*&* @#()*&*& @#&(*&@(* #@*)()&$ none of your business.

Why are all your books the same and so predictable?
Why the F do you keep reading them then if they all suck? If they’re all the same why do I bother changing the names…

Are there going to be anymore (one of my series)?
Nope, I killed off the rest of the characters even though I have on my website that the series is ongoing and I left the ending of the last one open ended.
*yeah, I get that one a lot, at least 3x a day, and I start to get creative. It’s a normal question but again, I’m not fit to be around people*

Why the fascination with male pregnancy? It’s obviously impossible and takes away from the story.
I have one series with male preggos and two characters in other series… and no kidding it’s impossible, but I write FICTION. If it takes away from the story then how can you read the ones without it, you know, with the vampires, werewolves… all that REAL stuff.

Why do you keep writing ménages? They’re unrealistic and I hate them.
Right, let me cater just to you. That’s logical to expect.

I don’t think I set up my Kindle right. Can you tell me what I’m doing wrong and set it up?
Do I look like Amazon? I can’t see what you did. How do I know what you did wrong? Read the instructions! I don’t email Brad Pitt when my Blue Ray player is confusing me….

And last but not least, but my favorite I get asked in my personal life ALL the time….

You’re an author! Have I ever read anything you’ve written?
How the HELL would I know what you’ve read? I’m an author, not a telepath!

If I pissed anyone off and they want to email me complaining… please don’t. This was my way of sharing some fun sarcasm. It was this or bang my head against the wall. =0)