How to Make Love to an Elf by A.J. Llewellyn

When my cherished and adored friend Joyee Flynn mentioned her kick-ass twelve Christmas books in twelve days and how she wanted a blog about elves - her kind, the sexy kind. She asked if I had anything significant to add. And of course being a bit of a smart ass (well, I was the class clown way back when) I suggested a blog about how to make love to an elf.

She said something like, "This I gotta see." And of course, I feel challenged, nay, encouraged to educate you all about the private problems associated with having sexual relations with elves.

Especially at Christmas time.

Look, don't believe men, especially the human kind, when they use work as a reason not to get down and dirty. How can they say they are too busy and too stressed out to have sex? Work problems? Ha! Ask an elf about that! I mean, from June 9 to December 25, each and every year, they work nonstop.

They do have tea breaks (Elf Union Rules) but they are the horniest bunch of mystical men you'd ever want to meet.

Now, let's get a few things clear. Elves have certain...er attributes that make their tendency toward practical jokes and nasty pranks a little more palatable. You know how they say human men with big feet tend to have big cocks?

Nobody has a bigger one than an elf. Check out their ear size and double it. Yep.  Huge. I mean, really huge.

What? You don't believe me? Have you ever heard of an elf's wife complaining about the lack of sex? Do you see them blogging or writing self-help tomes or selling creams, toys and potions to try and improve their sex lives? Heck, no!

They're too busy lying on their backs trying to catch their breath!

Just so you know, elves have a bit of a fondness for humans. Men and women. And their wives thank them for it. If you're going to bang an elf however, there are a few things you need to know.

Firstly, bring creme de menthe. Drink it. I personally recommend grasshoppers, because I love cream. Blend the two with a bit of creme de cacao and you'll be so toasted you won't freak out when you see that giant schlong emerging from the elf's thin body.

BTW I should have mentioned that all elves are thin. It's all the screwing they do. Maybe Santa should have a think about that. Anyhoo, this is a quick recipe:

3/4 oz green creme de menthe
3/4 oz white creme de cacao
3/4 oz light cream

Put these into a cocktail shaker and shake, baby, shake. Sip fast. Elves like to fuck and they don't have time to waste. It's almost Christmas, for Santa's sake!

For the truly adventurous, you could add a drop of elf come and make it a Flying Grasshopper. Yep. You guessed it. Elf sex is like smoking weed. Not just any weed, but a blunt of the smokin'est Maui Wowie. Not that I would know anything about that of course.

Ahem...

Anyway, you have to make sure you have the right elf. Not all elves and humans are compatible. Norwegian elves are known to snack on salmon in bed and that gets awfully messy, especially when the salmon is still alive.

Not very sexy.

So, make things clear from the get-go. No pole fishing from the bedroom window.

Personally speaking, blood, sex and ice aren't my favorite combination but I am told that Norwegian elves are the bomb. As in, when they come inside you, it feels like a bomb went off. in your brain, and your body.

You might need the ice after an explosive orgasm like that...

Oh...did I mention elves like to bonk in rooms overlooking ice skating rinks? It's some weird rule in their union code. I didn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes.

Anyway, the rules are that elves are allowed to be naked for sex but they must keep their socks on. I think they've all been watching way too many Falcon Studios movies. I mean for fuck's sake, have you watched their videos lately? Why do the guys ALL strip naked, completely, then put their shoes and/or socks back on?

It makes no sense but elves think this is mighty sexy, but then they're elves. They work for a chubby guy in a red suit who says "Ho Ho Ho" to everything so you just know he's a dirty-minded bugger.

So. As I was saying, don't even think about asking for foreplay. Elves expect you to have started the hard work (their words, not mine) before they run and jump you for the fun part. Now, a friend of mine once had sex with a cross-bred human and elf and she swears by sex with these rare beings. They are called Light Elves. She said she hardly felt his weight on her body but loved what he did to her.

She has been in a mental institution ever since, so perhaps sex with a regular elf is better than one of the orbital beings. She claims her Light Elf shows up constantly to 'fiddle with her' but I can't confirm or deny this.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yes. Sex is fast with an elf. The orgasm packs a wallop. I recommend riding the elf so you can get up and leave when you want. They tend to fall asleep on top of you and their breath is kind of...fishy.

Don't think about leaving your name and number. He's already got it. And he will respect you in the morning. Enough to fill your stocking with some fun stuff...and leave you some presents, too.

So, do your research. Find a good elf. DON'T whatever you do pick a Dark Elf. They fuck for longer periods of time but they're looking for sexual hostages, not relationships. They prefer sex in dank caves and can smell kind of...slimy.

Not that I know this from personal experience. I do research, baby. Research.

My friends all tell me English elves are the best, in spite of their horrid teeth. English elves make them cups of tea, tell jokes and give them a rollicking good time by the ice rink.

Anyway, with Christmas about to come - and go - like an elf!!! - keep your eyes peeled for elves. They're all about to be unemployed and horny. Be prepared to walk funny, think green and of course, to have a big ol' smile on your face.

Until next time kids, Merry Christmas! And don't whatever you do eat Santa's cookies!

love,

A.J.

www.ajllewellyn.com  


*AJ's Giving away a copy of his new book Christmas in Flip Flops! Same rules apply, email Andi & she'll pick a winner.